


Longing

by ourladyofmumbles



Category: The Expanse (TV), The Expanse Series - James S. A. Corey
Genre: F/M, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 00:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11301732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourladyofmumbles/pseuds/ourladyofmumbles
Summary: He never knew her. He'd never gotten the chance to. But in his dreams she's so close he could reach out and touch her.





	Longing

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really bad at summaries. Also, this is a sort of prequel to "Home"

“Miller”

The voice drifted into his head, as familiar and comforting as vat-brewed whiskey after a long rotation.

“Miller”

The i was drawn out this time, almost like a song. He opened his eyes reluctantly, taking a minute to adjust to where he was. The Roci. Martian warship. In space. God, he hated space.

“Miller.”

The voice was quieter this time, moving away. He tumbled out of his bunk and stood up, feeling every bone pop as he did. He was getting too old. He was born too old. His bare feet clinked against the grates as he made his way out into the Roci’s smooth passageways. The ship was too quiet. He missed the angry noises of Ceres. The dirty air and twisting corridors. Everything about this ship was clean and efficient; it terrified him that a war machine could look so professional. But war was a business same as Star Helix or Pur&Klenn or the hundreds of illegal asteroid miners with half-assed life support systems spinning in the dark right now. Just bigger.

“Miller.”

The voice was above him now. He sighed and put his hands on the cool rung of a ladder, pulling himself up against the ship’s gravity. He could feel the weariness in his bones as he continued hand over hand towards his goal. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept. The dreams were always so vivid he might as well be awake.

When he finally emerged into the… where was he again? It looked like the airlock, but the tendrils of black vines twisting around the blue crystalline structures made it hard to tell. Each crystal emitted a faint blue light, pulsing like a heartbeat. He held his hand up to one and was surprised to feel a warmth radiating from it.

“I thought you wouldn’t come.”

“I always do.”

His voice sounded hollow compared to hers. He moved his eyes from the blue crystals to the center of the room where she stood – floated – effervescent and beautiful. Everything about her was familiar and perfect. The way her hair hung around her, the arch of her eyebrows, the way her teeth peeked out for an instant as she smiled.

“Someday you may not miss me.”

The lilt of her voice. The tilt of her head. The way her eyes fixed on him made something deep within his chest break a little more. He reached out, only to stop himself.

“I’ll – I’ll always miss you. You know that.”

“Then come closer.”

She was so inviting. His knees weakened at the thought of being near her. Of holding her.

“I – I can’t.” He felt like he was choking. He closed his eyes and forced the words out. “Julie, you’re dead. You died on Eros. I saw you. I – I couldn’t” the pain in his chest exploded into his throat. He felt like he was suffocating. He felt the tears form behind his eyelids. “I couldn’t – I – I tried but I couldn’t –”

He felt her hand, warm and soft, cup his cheek, and leaned into it on instinct.

“I know. I know. I’m right here.”

He took a shuddering breath and opened his eyes. She was right in front of him, searching his eyes and smiling the same sad smile he’d seen a thousand times. The pain inside him stilled for a moment. The room was glowing blue.

“I’m so tired, Julie, I’m so so _tired.”_ He felt he might collapse at any moment. She nodded, running her other hand through his hair and floating closer.

“I know, I know. It’s ok. It’ll all be over soon.” She cooed. He felt his heart catch in his throat. She floated closer.

“What am I doing here Julie? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong _anywhere –”_

“You belong with me.” Her voice was unwavering. His heart stilled. His head quieted. The pain in his chest was gone. He swallowed hard and nodded, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to hers.

“I know. I know.”

“Miller, I need you to wake up _now.”_

The voice crashed into his head and the warmth in the room vanished. Deep within him, he felt a familiar ache reasserting itself.

“Let’s get you back to your room, yeah?” Naomi’s voice was just as no-nonsense as ever, but he could hear a hint of panic at the edges. He sighed and slowly opened his eyes.

He was in the airlock, his hand wrapped firmly around the manual override lever. He stared, attempting to register how exactly it had ended up there.

“Miller…”

He heard Naomi step closer, and gently released the lever, flexing his fingers for a moment before turning away.

“Yeah. Yeah, ok.”


End file.
